Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You can't special order awesome
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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