Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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