Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
