I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
