woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She even gives head with a lisp.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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