Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Everclear isn't food dammit
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
