I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Randomize
