Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
