i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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