You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
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