70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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