he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
