Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
