I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
