Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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