I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
