I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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