That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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