I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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