my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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