Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
