Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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