I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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