she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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