I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
