dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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