Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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