I think I died a long time ago.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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