I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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