Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
