Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
