My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
