Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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