I can text with my tongue
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize