I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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