the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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