Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
