I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dear god my vagina.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
