Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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