Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She told me I should be a condom model.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
