Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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