Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
