Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
