Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
