my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
