I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
