At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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