My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
