meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
