i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Still dying that you shit outside
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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