When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
