He kissed a someone with a penis
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
