If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize