Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i drank out of a bidet.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
