It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
