Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
